Friday, April 30, 2010

Kelly Is Not Amused

Kelly Cutrone is a personal hero of mine.

Not only the owner of public relations firm, People's Revolution, she is also the star her own reality series, "Kell on Earth," and acts as mentor to Whitney Port on MTV's "The City."

Well, somewhere in her busy-ass schedule, she found time to bitch about people pestering her for jobs on Facebook.


In Her Words:

"Do not Facebook the owner of a fashion agency asking for a job. I've said this before and yet people still Facebook me. The messages often contain grammatical errors, they don't make sense or they are littered with acronyms like LOL. If you do Facebook the owner, have something interesting to say and use a spell check."

Of course, this means I had to create a Facebook message just for her.

Kelly, expect this in your inbox shortly:

 "OMG. KELLY. HEY. i saw you on tv last night. U were SO FEIRCE. I love when u yell at ur assistants n stuff. I laughed SO HARD when you were all mad at them. U R SO FUNNY! I cant believe i'm talking to u! Is The City fun to make? I love it. I love you. P.S. Can I have a job? LOL."

... Cross you fingers for me, everyone. This could be my big break!

Chain-Mail Love Letter

Taking a look back at the Spring 2010 collections, there was one "crystal clear" winner as to which look captured my imagination more than any other.

It's gotta be the crystal chain-mail delivered to us from Prada, which was eye-catching, light-capturing, and (above all) sparkle-fantastic:


It could be opalescent colors of the netted crystals beckoning me to dance inside their elegant rainbows.

It could be the versatility of a look that could literally be draped over almost anything for an (always necessary) boost of sparkly glamour.

But it's probably the fact that as a young boy, I would stare up at the chandelier hanging from my dining room ceiling and dream of ripping down each tear-drop crystal in order to create a garment for myself just like these.

Well, thankfully, Miuccia Prada did just that.

(And I'd like to think of it as a personal favor.)


My-Oh Maya

Since I already did a post on the personal style of La Roux, it just didn't make sense to me that I hadn't yet dedicated one to the funky-fresh fashion message of Miss Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam, aka M.I.A.

Just like with La Roux's Elly Jackson, I am completely enamored with her work both as an artist and style icon.

And in an additional bit of artistic symmetry, this woman shares a major trait with the former:

That her music and style seem to be in perfect sync with one  another: two stems branching out from the same source.

In Maya's case, that source is slightly more feminine, and yet still, she always seems to be spittin' a message right into her critics' faces:

"Just watch me wear this shit."

...Well, what else can you do but obey?

 Things to Note:
1. Her love affair with vivid colors.
2. Two words: Holographic. Jumpsuit. (Okay, two more: I and died.)
4. Prints so busy you could burn a few calories just from the work-out they give your eyes.
5. Complete and total disregard for what's on-trend.

... Once again, I gotta give it up for a girl who has managed to establish a loud, unique voice for herself in the worlds of both music and fashion.

When Gaga "speaks," you can hear shades of Madonna and Grace Jones.

When Beyonce "talks," echoes of Whitney and Mariah are not far behind.

But when M.I.A. steps up, her voice blazes a trail left for others to follow.

... and there's just something to love about that.

Shit. Just. Got. Real.

Whew... Okay, I need to take a breath before this one.

On the May 3rd episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, the Daytime-Television Goddess is going head-to-head with the Runway/Battery Goddess: Miss Naomi Campbell, herself.

I just... I can't. There are simply too many good ones for me to choose from.


Oprah's Give-Away:
 "You get a Blackberry across the mouth! And you! And you! Everybody in the audience is getting their own, personal accessory-assault session with Naomi and her weapon of choice! Whoo-hoooo!"

Oprah's No-Phone Zone Pledge (in which people sign an agreement not to talk while driving):
Naomi: "Does that include using one's phone to make a point across the head of one's personal assistant?"
Oprah: "Of course."
Naomi: "...Then no."

Oprah and Naomi discuss "weight issues":
Oprah: "Have you ever struggled with your weight, Naomi?"
Naomi: "Of course, Oprah. It's really hard being as skinny as I am... Especially when you need that extra bit of leverage while smacking the sass out of the hired help. People just don't understand."

Oprah and Naomi say goodbye:
Oprah: "Well, it was really great having you here, Naomi. Thank you."
Naomi: "Thank you, Oprah. And I'm sorry for yanking your hair and calling you a bitch during the commercial break. It's just that... you looked me in the eye, you know?"
Oprah: "I know."
Naomi: (to someone off-screen) "Okay, get me the hell out of here."
Oprah: "Okay. Now, tomorrow, we will be having Tyra Banks on the show to discuss her thriving career and continued success."
Naomi: *Takes her earrings off, cracks knuckles.*

(The End... of Oprah Winfrey's face.)


I. Can't. Wait.

Rotten Peaches

These are a few "modeling" shots of the UK's (least) favorite nepotist, Peaches Geldof, promoting her friends' vintage clothing store, The Cobra Shop, by donning some of the rags that they have for sale.

Well, I'm sorry to say (but not really) that homegirl looks like the drunkiest drunk at a Saturday night house party, whose clumsy table-dancing routine forces the homeowners to kick her ass out onto the front lawn.

Then, in a desperate attempt at regaining some lost confidence, Drunky-Peaches demands that her (also drunk) friend take some "hawt" pictures of her outside to show everyone "just what they're missing."

Well, show them you did, Peaches.

"No, don't take my picture. Oh, wait... I just asked you to, didn't I? Okay, then do."

"Wait, I need to pull my dress down. I wanna look classy... Did you take the picture yet? This feels unnatural."

"Okay, bitch, I'm gonna put my leg up on this tree. That's fashiony, right? Don't spill my drink, it's on the grass right by your foot."

"Why are you standing sideways? God, you're so drunk. Stop embarrassing me!"

"Okay, now make sure you get the 'pretty' angle of my face in this one... Why are you laughing? Did you take it yet?"


Thinking about it now, this photoshoot actually makes me wanna become best friends with Peaches.

Was that the intent? Does it matter?

Although, she is giving me shades of Allison from America's Next Top Model in a couple of these, which can only be a good thing:

... You know, minus the actual modeling potential.

Hell, Peaches' friends should have just booked Allison for this shoot instead.

Her dedicated ass would've fully committed to the "drunk girl" angle, splashed her drink over her head, and worked. it. out.

Sigh... If I ran the world.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Black & White Beauty

This is the cover of the new issue of Harper's Bazaar UK, featuring Cheryl Cole.

To my eyes, homegirl looks an awful lot like Rachel McAdams, whom I adore, so I was on-board with this right off the bat.

She looks warm, fresh, and earthy... Three adjectives that pretty much scream "Springtime." 

However, the inside-shots are what clinched the deal for me, as they are some striking black and white photos that portray Mrs. Cole's beauty perfectly:

(I got vibes of Sienna Miller in that first shot. Love.)

Now, you may be asking: "Who exactly is Cheryl Cole?"

... Well, the short answer is:

A British popstar who is married to a soccer player, has crazy cheekbones, and once assaulted nightclub bathroom attendant. (Snerk.)

... So basically, she's the back-alley version of Posh.

Hey, you wanted to know!

The Horror...

Put down your crucifix, because these creepalicious images, a collaboration between photographer Madame Peripetie and artist Lola Dupre for Kinki magazine, cannot harm you... As far as I know.

... Okay, that last one is actually from the psychological-horror videogame, "Silent Hill."

But just try and tell me that it doesn't fit in with the rest of these traumatizing shots.

Now, don't get me wrong. I totally get what these two visionaries were trying to achieve with these:

Unsettling, warped images that take both the subject and viewer into a realm where the human body is prone to invasion and sensory discombobulation.

... But that doesn't mean I have to wrap a trash-bag over my face and go along with it.

Because this? Is some "double-check your closet and sleep with the hall light on"-type shit.

Beautiful in it's own way, and certainly evocative... but bat-shit, for sure.

Now here's a cute little palate-cleanser, so that you may continue believing in God:

... Gah! Get your leg outta that toilet paper roll, puppy! Did you not see the second image??

Err, I think that just made things worse... Great.

Lourdes-Love, Take 2

Okay, so I love Madonna's daughter.

(So much so, in fact, that I devoted an entire post to her style.)

Well, here she is with her mom at an NYC benefit, proving that she is more than worthy of my undying affection.

I swear, it's like some "Back to the Future" lost plotline:

- It's 2010, and Madonna decides to travel back in time in search of a playmate.

- She locates and abducts her 1978 self, (who was probably up to some un-kosher shit anyway.)

- She drags her head-strong doppelganger back to present times to ensure that she won't have to pose at red carpet events and attend Kabbalah meetings alone.

- Now, she not only has a partner-in-crime, but an heir apparent to her empire, pop music crown, and assorted boy-toys (most of whom will probably be approaching the age of consent around the same time as Lourdes.)

Everybody wins!

...Well, if that is the case, then Madge better get her hands on a chastity belt and some hardcore sedatives, cuz she's about to enter some turbulent times in the next few years...

No additional comments necessary, other than:

I pray that you survive the ordeal, Catholic Church... I pray.


Give Your Money Two Air Kisses and the Heave-Ho!

This is it.

The new Louis Vuitton iPad case.

Oh, what's that? You don't actually have an iPad yet?

Well, keep saving up your money, then, cuz this sucker's gonna cost you three hundred and sixty-five Sacagawea coins.

(You know, in addition to the $500+ price-point of the actual device.)

The future is here... but you're gonna have to pawn your life away in order to get it.

 "Good luck, broke-ass bitch."

Just look at Sacagawea's face!

Homegirl is this-close to selling that sleeping baby to the highest bidder in order to nab one for herself...

 "I gotsta git mines!"

Ooh, girl. You nasty.

... I Like You.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Let Olivia Be Free

This is Olivia Munn's new ad for animal-rights group, PETA.

... Umm, and she's naked for why?

Did they forget that their initial reasoning for shooting their celebrity ads in the nude is because their tagline was "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"?

This? Has nothing to do with fur.

It has to do with the poor, mistreated circus elephants.

Yet, there Olivia sits. Naked. For reasons unknown to all.

And don't give me any of that "As Nature Intended" crap, because I guarantee that her makeup, straight-ironed hair, and photoshopped skin were not done by Miss Mother Nature.

Seriously, if I ran PETA, this would have been my styling choice:

And I guarantee that those elephants in the photo would have been wracking their brains for pick-up lines to feed Miss Munn, rather than turning their asses and walking away from her.

Ah well.


Sugary-Sweet Fashion Recap

If you can read (which is a pretty safe assumption) then you've probably already worked out that this Fashion Recap is gonna focus on that late-90's diamond-in-the-rough (or is it candy-in-the-throat?) teen comedy, "Jawbreaker."

Now, this is one of those peculiar movies where, upon initial viewing, you are somehow left with the impression that all of the leads were dressed in candy-colored, head-to-toe ferocity.

Then, when you take a look back, you realize that these girls do not look like teenagers at school, but rather over-the-hill hookers dressed in grossly inappropriate, tacky rags.

Some more than others, of course.

(Vylette, I'm looking your way. In fact, I have a special area at the end reserved for your sartorial missteps, and it aint pretty.)

But let's get started with the "Flawless Four," shall we?

Again, these are not girls at school.

These are some women who are ready for a night of prowling the bars for guys to buy them "just one more drink..."

Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. 

In fact, I think it's kinda great.

But then... This happened:

Which is the obvious cue for the "dorky girl" to receive a full-on makeover, resulting in...

Fugness. In pink. Lots of it.


 The Franken-Beauty is born.

An elegant, pink swan... Or is it a goose?

And she's wearing her grand-mammy's heels and tights! Tres chic.

Ruling. The. School.
In neon pink lingerie... Yeah.

Shiny pink over a different shade of shiny pink? Genius!

Lookin' hawt in her sexy new diaper!

The grace of a Pink Lady crossed with the posture of an aging Biker Slut. 
(... I think I'm in love.)

Best. Movie Makeover. Ever.

Vylette, I salute you... Even if only for that last ensemble.

I hope you don't mind if I try to recreate it next Halloween! 

Flash-Foward to: 

"I'm an Electroshock Therapy Cyndi Lauper... You like?"