Monday, March 29, 2010


That's the only term I can come up with for these two gems that have recently busted into my life.

The above, a ripped tee from Balmain, retails for $1,625.

Now, stop reading... Grab a pair of scissors, head to your closet, and choose a victim.

There, I've just saved your ass from having to pay almost two grand for a shirt that you could buy on any street corner from any wandering crackhead. (No Lindsay Lohan jokes, please.)

I mean, for seriously?

Talk about picking up a trend at the height of it's popularity (or not) and bitch-slapping it into next week with a markup so astounding that I was left cradling my poor, shivering wallet while pledging my undying protection.

(It's Gucci from about four years ago. It's seen a lot of fuckery, but I'm sure the jolt of purchasing this item would push it over the edge. It would simply crumple up in my hands, leaving behind nothing more than two somber G's, staring back at me with confusion and shame...)

Moving on to classier affairs, here's the new "Live Young" tee from Evian.

Now, this shirt already ranks higher than the Balmain, just for the simple fact that it isn't actually being sold. It was created for the European ads for the brand.

Still though, confusion reigns.

I get the whole "Live Young," slogan and how it suggests that, by drinking their special water, we will all feel like kids again...

...But I had no idea that they meant, like little kids.

The last time I checked?

Wearing diapers, having stilted motor functions, and being fed regularly by the higher-ups was not the good life. And I'm sure I don't need to bring in the resident "Angry Granny" from the Retirement Home down the street to tell you that.

Really, there's just no need for either of these shirts.

As it is, society already has a way of knowing who will pay too much for a crappy t-shirt and who lacks the basic skills of most functioning adults:

Ed Hardy, I salute you. Now more than ever.

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