If the vodka shelf of your liquor store was a tiny, bitchy community, it would be fairly easy to suss out the personality-profiles of each brand.
For instance:
Lady Smirnoff - the popular go-to gal, on whom everyone depends.
Madame Svedka - the low-budget version of Smirny.
Countess Finlandia - the well-traveled snob.
Miss Plastic Bottle - the one whose texts never get a reply.
and, of course
Head Bitch Absolut- the one who spends hours in her closet, never to be seen in the same outfit twice.
(One guess as to which would be my Weekend Best Friend.)
Yep, good ol' Absolut has a tendency to change outfits as frequently as she can fit them over her (wide-ass) body.
And that's why I love her:
Absolut Rainbow
In a brave show of support for the gays, Miss Abby opts for bold horizontal stripes.
(Flattering lines be damned. Homegirl knows who pays her bills.)
Absolut Masquerade
An ensemble that is equal parts "Tribute to Dorothy" and "Ode to Sequins." Abby looks ravishing in red.
Absolut Disco
Screw the (plus-sized) mirror balls of the world.
When Abby shows up in this little number, all of those spherical attention whores will fall. in. line.
Plus, if the mood strikes, she can easily slip into the bathroom and change colors:
(Homegirl came prepared.)
Absolut Brazil
Whether she chooses the outfit that showcases carnivale or one illustrating the lush Amazonian jungles, Abby is well-aware of the fact that Brazilians do sexy like no one else.
Absolut Bling Bling
Abby is a traditionalist.
She knows that Platinum may be queen, but stands firm in her belief that Gold is classic.
Absolut Rock
Somewhat shamefully, even Abby was not immune to the "leather studded-belt" craze of the mid-2000's.
Absolut Naked
... Because it takes a true diva to walk out the door with nary a stitch on and still be the best-dressed woman in the room.
Absolut-ly adorable.
Now, if only homegirl would stop showing up to every party so damn wasted, she might find herself a man...
But this is about her fashion, not her love life, so A+, girl!
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