All Hail the Queen...

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne, from HBO's "True Blood," that is.

Played by Evan Rachel Wood, this 400 year old vampiress is a shining beacon of 1920's fashion on a show rampant with backwoods flannel and southern-fried cut-offs...

Needless to say, she's my favorite character.

As a (relatively) young vampire, this fangs-bearing monarch is petulant, spoiled, and entitled.

In other words: the true definition of a queen. (Is it any wonder, then, that I feel a special kinship with her?)

Now, let's take a tour around her Queendom, shall we?

The Pad:

Obviously inspired by the ocean, homegirl's playpen is a den of opulence, complete with a light-up skylight that allows her to go faux-sunbathing:

Clad in only the most chic of vintage bathing suits.

The Routine:

As royalty, Sophie-Anne spends most of her time doing pretty much what one would expect from a young woman of privilege...

Sitting around... playing "Yahtzee."

Sitting around... reading vintage issues of "Vogue."

You'll notice that, like so many monarchs, a large portion of her time is comprised of sitting around... 

 

(That is, when she's not busy with the camera crews from "Vampire Cribs," of course.)

But as we all know, it's not what you do, it's how good you look doing it. 

 

So let's move on to...

The Style:

One of the first things you'll notice about Queen Sophie-Anne's sense of style is that she is completely unafraid.

Unafraid of Fur

Unafraid of Harem Pants 

(*Shudder*)

Unafraid of Over-Accessorizing

And unafraid of Getting a Little Blood near her Dress.

... You might also notice her disregard for the concept of "personal space":

And her penchant for wearing some hot-ass pumps:

Yep, combine all of these things with the fact that she can wear the hell out of an outfit:

... and is it any wonder where my allegiance lies?

As Queen Sophie-Anne goes, so goes my nation.

Isabella, I'm Savin' Up, Girl!

The ridiculously beautiful little girl you see here is none other than my new niece, Isabella Hope.

(I've been trying to convince her Mommy and Daddy to get little Isby signed to a modeling agency of some kind. No joke. They're apprehensive for some reason.)

Now, before you start worrying that my blog is gonna turn into a self-indulgent piece of crap that focuses on nothing other than what's important to me, you can rest assured: it already is.

Having said that, this post does have a point.

And that point is this:

Little. Marc. Jacobs. Mouse. Baby. Booties.

Okay, now here comes the internal struggle...

On one hand:

These booties (Booties! Ugh! So cute!) are approximately $75.

And on the other:

My little budding fashionista will probably outgrow them approximately 75 hours after I present them to her.

But on the other other:

Those will probably be the best 75 hours of her (and my) life.

... Decisions, decisions.

Now, let's all take a moment to pray that I somehow find a job that pays millions to prepare me for the sartorial splendor of Isabella's teen years...

And that my sister will see no harm in allowing her 15-year-old daughter to attend school dressed in a silver sequined bodysuit and six-inch pumps.

"I Call Karl Lagerfeld!"

That's what I predict will be repeatedly shouted (by me) if these new, designer Monopoly pieces catch on with the general public.

... Can you imagine?

Having Karl Lagerfeld's scowling little face as your playing piece?

The Thimble and the little Terrier won't know what hit 'em!

(... A tiny metal handglove or pack of cigs would be my first guesses.)

Nah, I'm just joking.

In reality, this is the first of three new pendants, from French jewelry brand Nous Sommes, that are meant to immortalize some of pop culture's most recognizable faces.

The other two?

The Lady

Lookin' like a victim of domestic violence with that swollen nose and a pair of " denial sunglasses."

The King

With a dead-behind-the-eyes expression and fake grin plastered on his face... 

(In other words: eerily accurate.)

But really, if those three were actually entering the Monopoly playing board, I get the feeling that all of the other pieces would roll their eyes, throw their hands up, and quit that bitch.

(Nobody likes to share the spotlight... especially not with three celebs of questionable sanity.)

Still though, I'd be more than happy to wear that Lagerfeld pendant around my neck! 

Tiny Karl would totally act as my own personal guard-dog, scaring away any snooty gays with a single, steely glance. 

Sold!

Kristin, Rocking The Blonds

Here's Kristin Cavallari (aka, the only brain cell ever to appear on "The Hills") showing up to the premiere of "Salt," wearing a silver outfit from The Blonds.

Now, before you start racking your brain in an attempt to recall where you've seen that ridiculous (and amazing) spiked-shoulder treatment before, I'll just go ahead and post a picture of everyone's favorite cougarslut:

Yep, Ms. Cavallari is wearing  a hand-me-down from one Samantha Jones.

 ... And she's rocking the hell out of it.

Just for comparison purposes, let's check out this look as it appeared on the runway:

Hmm, I think Cavallari made the right choice here in abandoning the neck-piece and leather accessories...

I mean, honestly: When you're wearing a skin-tight, spikey-shouldered mini-dress, all modesty obviously needs to fly out the window.

With your bra sailing right after it.

Needless to say, I approve.

A Study Session With The Glamazons from "Popular"

(Bear in mind, this episode aired in 1999...)

 Mary Cherry: "Okay, Popita. I made flash cards. Now, tell me what the word means cuz we're being tested in Bio on definitions."

Poppy Fresh: "Paramecium... (ugh, that's a hard one)... is an algae-based..."

Mary Cherry: "Boo! Sorry, ding-a-ling, it's a single-cell... Moving on and praying hard for ya..."

Poppy Fresh: "*Gasp!* I know this one! Gay, fabulously successful head designer for Gucci!"

Mary Cherry: "Ooh, ding-ding-ding! Very good!"

Nicole: "Okay, hi, that's not gonna be on the test!"

Mary Cherry: "... Well it should be."

Alice in Candyland Fashion Recap

Okay, there's really no such thing as "Alice in Candyland," but if there was, I'm pretty sure it'd look a helluva lot like the video for Katy Perry's summer anthem, "California Gurls."

Which, by the way, is gonna be the focus for this fashion recap.

(Isn't it odd how, whenever I go a long time without posting, my absence-breaking post is always focused on Miss Perry? Huh. I guess she's my muse...)

Anyway, as I take you through Katy's adventures through the candy looking glass, I'm gonna include both scenic and close-up shots, just because this video has some seriously delicious and colorful eye-candy that's not to be missed.

Let's go, then:

If we're continuing with the Katy/Alice comparisons, this outfit would be the Perry-equivalent to Alice's "blue dress with white apron."

In other words, it says everything you need to know about our heroine:

She's fun, she's colorful, and she's tasty... (Even if not entirely tasteful.)

This second look is basically a "Slutty Halloween costume" version of a girl scout's uniform, which Katy wears as she charms the pants (and arms, and legs) off of a hapless gingerbread man...

Dig the chocolate chip cookie beret and plethora of merit badges Miss Perry has earned for herself.

(Although something tells me her scout mother (or whoever) is gonna strip that shit right offa her back once word of Sir Russell Brand makes it's way around the troop.)

... But moving on:

This is Katy's "dance routine" outfit, consisting of some sparkly (of-fucking-course) cut-off shorts, and a couple of heavily-frosted cupcakes serving as a non-diabetic-friendly bustier.

(I personally think that they missed a great opportunity here to use actual ice cream cones in an homage to Madonna's "cone-bra," but ehh... The cupcakes are cute enough, I suppose.)

Next, we have a snapshot straight outta my dreams, as Katy lounges around some cotton candy clouds in the nude.  

Sigh.

 Love the Gaga-inspired hairbow and frosted rings, though.

(Just because you're bare-ass naked don't mean you can't accessorize.)

Continuing in the vein of "inspired by Gaga," here we have Katy's answer to that ridiculous "sparkler-bra" that the Lady has been known to wear...

... Only this one?

Shoots out whipped cream, bitches.

(Yes, yes, and YES!)

Finally, as our tour comes to a close, we end with my favorite outfit of the entire video:

Oh.

Yes.

She.

Did.

They took those lame-tasting but beautiful-looking candy buttons from all of our childhoods, blew them up, and wrapped them around our sweet-toothed heroine.

Plus, you can't really tell from the image, but her shoes are covered with the life-size versions of the candy buttons:

  I live... And I die... And I live yet again.

Whew.

Now, I feel pretty rotten for having to say this, but umm...  

Queen Frostine, could you come out here, please?

I'm really sorry, but your 20-year reign as "Queen Candy Bitch of My Heart" has come to an end...

The Queen is dead.

Long live the Queen.